Do you know what the top three New Year's resolutions are this year? Well, according to Meredith Viera? Of course you do. They are always the same.
Quit smoking.
Lose weight.
Save money.
Thrilling.
I don't smoke. I don't make any money so I can't save any. And I just bought 6 pairs of sweatpants so I DIDN'T have to lose weight. I think our resolutions should show some creativity. Who said we should sacrifice? That's for Lent and Passover. Let's be original. Let's stand apart from the overweight, bankrupt smokers. You'll be happy you did.
BURNING WOOD'S TEN RESOLUTION SUGGESTIONS FOR 2009
Be more pretentious
Talk to a loved one once a week, if they call
Support the arts (I guess)
Memorize Hamlet's famous soliloquy and use it as an excuse when you get a speeding ticket
Open up a squirting boutonniere concession
Go back someday, come what may, to Blue Bayou
Watch more television
Pick on somebody your own size, but only if you're carrying a hardwood club
Pray there is no hell, but still tell people to go there
Realize that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it's just really low wattage
Any suggestions? What is on your 2009 to-do list?
(Special thanks and credit goes out to my friend Steve Wisniewski. He and I wrote about 300 of these blurbs a little over 20 years ago. As is always the case, I was looking for something else, and found these instead.)
Tomorrow's post, the last of the year, is going to be big.
I've raided the vaults and dug out something special. Elvis Costello special. 2 1/2 hours of special.
See you tomorrow.
2 comments:
Wow. Brilliance. Wish I had thought of the squirting boutonniere concession! Unfortunately, it's probably one of those things that you see on every streetcorner in NY, in Ohio though - not so much. Or maybe I just haven't noticed. Or possibly I didn't recognize the butchered spelling. "Squirting Booteneers 10.00." Or just didn't need one at the time. Just imagine - you could have made a million parked near Times Square tomorrow night! Thanks for the chuckles. (By the way - I've never cared for the black or green - usually discarded them with the wrapper after eating the red, orange and yellow.) Happy '09, the year we both get rich. :)
how about make it to 2010....help I've fallen and I can't get up....
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