Thursday, January 7, 2010

Sting, Where Is Thy Death: A CONTEST


We, as a nation, didn't always hate Sting. As a matter of fact, didn't we love The Police? Even the first 2-3 Sting solo records were quite good, especially the still very essential "Ten Summoners Tales." So, what happened? One fairly obvious fact is that the solo records became increasingly boring. But that shouldn't be enough. We don't hate Norah Jones. There is a mutual disgust for Sting in general, with complaints about everything from his beard, to his sexual habits, to his fascination with the lute.

In one paragraph or less, tell me why Sting is the devil to so many; extra points for originality and hilarity.

The winner will receive his choice of a full CD's worth of either Bob Dylan rarities, Motown rarities, or Cool Covers. If the winning entry really tickles me, you'll get all three.

De do do DO IT!

22 comments:

itsok2beright said...

WOW!!! Talk about a major coincidence. I am, as I am writing this, listening to Quadrophenia. My biggest reason for starting to turn away from Sting was his venture into acting. This, of course, started with him as the bellboy in Quad! Mariah Carey in Glitter put on a similar acting performance than most of Sting's. (I actually never saw Glitter, but it sounds like a good reference)

I also think that we dumb Americans occasionally get tired of listening to brogues, and other UK accents. Once Bono came along, we reached our practical limit, and had to drop our infatuation with one of them. Sting lost!

kevin said...

It was slowly creeping on me. Yes, the beard; the tantric sex; the yoga; the increasingly bad music...that and more was making me loathe Sting. But it didn't really hit me until I read a quote from Sharon Osbourne (of all people); "Lord Fucking Sting! Who does he think he is?"

Pretty much sums it up if you ask me!

Andy said...

Sting, Stank, Stunk. Maybe it was the videos for the last Police album, or the stories of jogging in his Drums and Wires t-shirt, then came his advice on everything from eating habits to exercise. The beard and the lute pushed him over the top and while the tantric sex and threesomes are mildly interesting, he is all about "look at me" I am Sting, all the time. What is next? Wearing a kilt? Searching for the loch ness monster? Scaling Mount Everest to record oboe versions of his favorite songs? He may be the world's most self absorbed man and for that we hate him.

TNP said...

Why do we hate Sting? Two words - 'Trudie' and 'Styler'- Mrs Sting...oops, sorry - Lady Sting of Dourly Humourless Manor, I should say. Yes, yes, there's all that typical Stingy Ashtanga nonsense, rhyming 'Nabakov' with 'he starts to shake, he starts to cough', him in a loincloth emoting in the Amazon, Dune, the earnest plucking of Medieval instruments, Dune, (because one simply cannot emphasize that enough) and the fact he's really called Gordon...Gordon! I ask you...But really it's all about the Trudie, isn't it? The woman who flies an entourage of 8 people - including her hairdresser - around in a private jet and then lectures the rest of us on how it's the oil companies that are ruining the universe... Pre-Trudie we had 'Roxanne', great hair and stand-up fights with the drummer. Post Trudie? Yes well, look around. I rest my case...

John Rosenfelder said...

He's the devil because he's so profoundly talented and smart but likes to confound the fans. Sting wants to educate, not just entertain. When he falls short, like on these classical albums, he comes off as pompous. But he's just plain good, and has already given the world some big amazing songs.

I'm still into Sting but appreciate why he can be frustrating to the kids!

steve simels said...

One of these days I'm going to make a best-selling novelty record.

It will be a reggae version of "White Christmas," done in the style of the early Police, with a Sting sound-alike handling lead vocals.

It will be billed as by "Der Stingle."




Thank you, I'm here all week; please tip your waitresses.
:-)

Chris Swartout said...

For me it all started on the evening of December 8, 1980.

My friends and I drove to Ft. Lauderdale to see the Police on the Zenyatta Mondatta tour. After the concert, on our drive home, we heard nothing but Beatles songs on the radio and eventually got the news that John Lennon had died. So I always associated John Lennon with Sting from that night onward (ironically I never associate Andy Summers with Lennon. He gets a pass). Can't help it. And it isn't fair!! My brain gets cluttered with Gordon Sumner when it should be all about John Lennon. Do you have any idea how much that sucks? Maybe it's because Trudy Styler is sort of like Yoko. I don't know. But I hate it.

Noam Sane said...

Yeah, tantric sex was the shark-jump.

There was a recent Mojo interview with Stewart Copeland that gave an indication just what a tight-ass the guy is...it's also on his website here.

Sting's a great musician by any standard. Ghosts in the Machine still sounds great, but he's gone a bit foggy over the years.

FD13NYC said...

Submitted for your approval. There once was a man named Gordon Sumner. A schoolteacher who formed a 3 piece band, took the moniker of a bee bite and went on to make unmentionable amounts of money, and then went solo to make even more. This man is probably not the Devil but for all circumstances he made a deal with the Devil. Now a well hated artist who should be left alone with his eccentricities and not fool the public with his experimental poison. Be warned, if you do decide to indulge him, you'll come across a sign post up ahead called THE STINGO ZONE.

Christine said...

Brimstone and Treacle

Rich said...

Yoga? Tantric sex? Lute? Self absorption? Trudy? For me, peripheral issues all. As I see it, Sting’s damnation can be pinpointed to his choice to re-make the lovely version of “It’s Probably Me” with Eric Clapton from Lethal Weapon 2-to-the-eigth-power into the mushy, flabby version included on Ten Summoner’s Tales. An album I love, by the way. He turned that song into something that sounds like a bad ELP outtake. Sting, you knew, you HAD to know! I’m sure Tiresias warned you. What perverse instinct led you to re-make the song that badly? Check out that little Korean kid’s instrumental version of the song on YouTube and you get a glimpse of the enormity of the transgression. Weep for the musical crime against humanity that remains still un-atoned. Instinctively, we have adopted the Amish tradition of shunning the apostate. You can’t even get the Clapton version on iTunes which, frankly, annoys the poop out of me. I wish ill on no man, but I fear his unredeemed musical soul will wander aimlessly for the ages.

owner said...

Sting is the devil because he has spent the past 25 years trying to kill the police.

Anonymous said...

His career arc: Premature ejaculation! Fast start, slow finish. Front loaded. (Rod Stewart got there first)

ROTP(lumber)

cyndicat said...

I loathe Sting, for all the reasons listed, and Norah Jones.

Daddy-O (Troy) said...

I hate Sting because I believe he convinced Bruce to break up the E Street Band when the two of them were palling around during the Amnesty International tour. And that, to me, is a greater crime than any of the self indulgent crap he has thrown at us ever since The Soul Cages.

Thankyouverymuch. Haveaniceday.

soundsource said...

He's a douche

FD13NYC said...

So. when do you announce the winner? And when do get my CDs?

John said...

Yes, the three T's (tantric sex, Tuscany home, Trudy trophy wife) can grate but what really rankles is the sudden transformation, now that he has a new album of traditional English tunes, of Sting back to Gordon Summer, good old Geordie boy from Newcastle who likes nothing more than a pint with his old mates from school. Celebrity pretense I can stomach but the front of working class identity is truly appalling.

steves said...

Because we, the people, believe one Rod Stewart is enough.

jc said...

He was mean to Branford Marsalis and Kenny Kirkland and the rest of the "Blue Turtles."

Bonus: He made Miles Copland do the dirty work.

Double bonus: in an interview around the Police reunion he stated quite rightly, that he should have given all his royalty checks from Puffy Combs' "Missing You" to Andy Summers. A I VIm IV V chord progression is nothing compared to those arpeggiated ninths. Give Andy the money already!

I rest my case.

Frontal Lobe Jello said...

Because he's a smug self-satisfied egotistical jerk. I think that covers about everything.

draftervoi said...

Hmm. Liked the Police...but for me, it was the Jaguar commercial: "Everyone dreams of becoming a rock star. What then do rock stars dream of...?"

And a sleepy-eyed Sting dreams of the intoxicating luxury of a power Jaguar S-type.

He gets his wish....but STING IS NOT DRIVING THE CAR. He is being driven. Who is driving? Well, they don't show them. My guess is a servant, a hireling...Stings dream is to be SERVED by people as he basks in luxury.

And that, for me, was it. Your dream is to be driven around by someone else? Ugh. F*ck you, pal. And don't you ever lecture me about global warming.