Sunday, November 26, 2017

Disjointed Rant #17

True story: I have been up since 3:53 A.M..

I woke up in a panic from a dream that was all too real. It was going to take more than some warm milk to shake. I'll spare you the details and get to the heart of it.

I was speaking, but the words I wanted to say were coming out of my mouth to mean something else. It's a classic anxiety attack, like seeing nothing but blinding white light, or getting lost. My intentions were to help, but the words that were coming out of my mouth actually did harm. The most vivid scenario in the dream, was the one that woke me up. I was screaming to a friend, "Don't go! Don't go! Please don't go!" Or at least, that is what I was thinking. It's what my heart was feeling. But the words out of my mouth were altogether different, as if I was speaking in tongues. But my friend understood and she understood it as something horrible, and I watched her sobbing as she screamed, "You can't mean that! You can't mean that!" I screamed back, " Of course I mean it!" Again, it came out as something else, and she kept walking away, sobbing twice as hard. I started to literally pull my hair out.

My own moaning is what woke me up. It is 9:44 A.M. and I am still feeling ill.

I am not a religious person. As a matter of fact, I find it all to be a hypocritical mess. Praying on one day, then breaking 6 out of 10 commandments the next, day in and day out. Arguably, religion does more harm than good. That's how I feel. But I do like to think something bigger is out there. Something that keeps us in line. Something that takes a hold of us when we are about to do something we shouldn't, or say something hurtful, and stops us in our tracks, even for a second, just long enough to make us think about our actions and words. I've thought that for a long time. But recently, I've come to doubt that, as well. It's getting uglier by the hour. At least that's what I see.

I have a friend who said this to me-

"Think of Facebook as a tool. You can either build a house or destroy everything in sight. Whatever happens, don't blame the tool."

Why should this apply only to social media? Shouldn't we all live by this on a daily basis?

In the past two years, I have watched friendships end and families crumble. I have seen more selfish acts than a 24 hour porn shop. But worst of all, no one seems to care. Accountability is non-existent. Everyone is afraid. Afraid of messing things up for themselves, so everyone clams up and lets it all unfold, hoping that by sticking their heads in the sand, it will all go away. No one tries anymore and people get hurt. Over and over, people get hurt. That should be the very first thing everyone thinks about. Not hurting people.

But, they don't. They just wield their words and actions, like bulls in a China shop. And if you don't like it, well....goodbye to you.

I am crushed. Disappointed. And exhausted.

I'm no angel. But I know I've tried a lot harder than some have tried for me. And I am not afraid to say so.

I know most of you stop by my place hoping to hear some good music, discover a song, or debate an artist's merits. I know many of you are probably thinking, "What the hell is going on with him now?"
Well, there is nothing going on with me that would stop me from sharing the music, though I have been feeling less than inspired. And this dream. This dream just...fucked me up!

Now, some music.