Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sheryl Crow & The Facebook Tutorial
For those unfamiliar with how Facebook operates, here is a brief tutorial.
First, sign up. It's a breeze.
Enter as much personal information as possible---date of birth, mother's maiden name, name of first two pets, social security number, routing number of checking account, locker combination at the gym, waist size, shoe size, religious beliefs, addictions, allergies, preferred condiments, favorite "How I Met Your Mother" cast member. Now find a nice picture of yourself. If you're unhappy with the way you look, you can use a picture of Ed Asner or a sunset. That's it! You've created your Facebook profile.
Once you've completed that process, the hilarity begins. It is now time to socialize.
You need "friends." So, dab on your favorite cologne and start searching. Before you know it, people who had secretly been wishing you were dead for the last 30 years, will be vying for your friendship, assuming of course, they really only have to say hello once, or occasionally click their "like" button.
Once you tally up somewhere between 100-1000 "friends," it's time to start sharing pivotal information like, how bad your headache was the night before, what you had for lunch, your innermost feelings about your recent iPhone purchase, as well as holiday pictures, your love of America, as well as your distaste for Mexicans, African-Americans and homosexuals, sometimes all in the same sentence, all for your 388 new friends to see. You can offer opinions on movies and music, and post links to your favorite places, like...I don't know... Burning Wood. You could even post "on location."
"Having a Chocotini at Pheromones. Life is good!"
The most important part of the whole enchilada though, is... your status.
This simple phrase, which is carefully placed right next to your name, will set your table for that particular day. For example, on a good day, my status may be, "Sal Nunziato feels so good this morning, he may spring for a TALL stack of blueberry pancakes." Or, if something is bothering me, my status may read, "Sal Nunziato is FREAKING out because that girl at Bed, Bath, & Beyond promised the shower curtains he ordered would be in on Wednesday and ...they...were...NOT!"
Now it's time for your "friends" to comment, just like if you were in a bar or at a party, except here on Facebook, everyone cares because there is no eye contact.
Here is a recent status of one of my "friends," who from the looks of it, is not really a fan of Sheryl Crow.
"Sheryl Crow sings soul- LOL"
I gather from that statement, he was less than amused by Miss Crow's new record.
I removed the names of the "friends" whose comments followed, but boy, what a Facebook shit storm.
*Say that ten times fast!
*Sheryl Crow tries to revive a fading career...next, it'll be "Sheryl Crow Sings The Great American Songbook"
*Can an album of duets be far behind?
*Duets with dead people!
*It's not like I have any stake in her career, or really care for her all that much, but how is writing a bunch of originals, recording it in Muscle Shoals with some respected musicians, and ending up with better than average product "reviving a fading career" or something hysterically funny? Just asking...
*Well, her name is still meaningful, but she can't sell hard tickets. That equals 'fading career'. Like you, I'm not particularly a fan, but I've nothing against her either. She's a talented artist who makes decent records and has had a good track record for writing hit singles. When was her last hit? Soak Up The Sun? That was 8 years ago. Given the wide variety of new marketing models for music since then, she appears to be following older ones. '... and I just say, Good Luck.'
*Call me sexist, but I love it when she straps on a Guild Bluesbird bass and fronts her band. Good groove, great set of pipes, and when the mood strikes her, she writes a nice song.
*Not having a "hit" doesn't mean her output was bad. We all know that. I find the hype surrounding third rate bands like The Hold Steady and The National more of a reason to LOL than a new Sheryl Crow record.
*Agreed. I'm certainly not disparaging her qualifications, only the current state of her career. There's nothing wrong with her that a hit wouldn't cure. As to the two bands you mentioned, their success is as laughable as it is bankable... for now!
*What new bands do you like?
*Florence & the Machine, Mumford & Sons, The London Souls, Little Dragon, Kristina Train, off the top my head.
*I have no problem with Sheryl Crow's talent, or her work. However, the late stage "theme album" is always a red flag, no matter who does it.
*Steve Miller just put out a Blues Theme album & its horrible,the blues watered down to nothing ,imagine Robert Johnsons " Hellhound on My Trail "done' (Keep On ) Rocking me Baby style...not good
*Goot Got Amighteee!
*Sheryl Crow FANS. LOL!!
*Whitebread radio-friendly clearchannel craprock. hits don't mean anything - ask vanilla ice. a douchebag is a douchebag, regardless of selling power or sex...
*I think this would be an apropos time for me to say that Graham Parker & The Rumor sucked.
*"Sheryl Crow to cover GG Allin for upcoming tribute...."
*Sheryl Crow's "Tribute To Toti"...Featuring all of Toti Fields' best bits, including...'Gene Simmons is a nice Jewish boy...'!
*I don't care about her career or her motivation. I happened to turn on the TV this AM to see her doing a completely deracinated version of "soul music" and wondered why so many people take third-rate artists like her seriously. she was never a great singer or songwriter (others wrote her best material). i've always considered her worthless (except for the Liz Phair-channeling "Soak Up the Sun," which was a total fluke). My LOL was because she might think she's singing soul, but she's so far off the mark it's risible.
*I love 'deracinated'! I like S Crow's face, but never got the rest.
*'deracinated' good, yes.
*She's just a fame whore. There is NOTHING she won't do for media exposure. She appeared in an episode of CBS' long running summer reality series 'Big Brother' as a "reward" for god's sake.
*lol......isnt country music kinda... like (LMFAO) ....soul
I think it's unfair to call Sheryl Crow a "fame" whore. She's far from that and has made some really good records.
*She has. There's a new Sheryl CD in my local Starbucks BTW.
*Not a great singer, but a good musician. Do not dis.
*lol no comment
*re: "unfair to call Sheryl Crow a "fame" whore.", "Do not dis". guess I hit a nerve. he he. and I suppose her ex - Lance Armstrong never did steroids. ;-)
*Life is unfair. Who noticed?
*let's see ... Eric Clapton, John Mayer, Lance Armstrong, Kid Rock. Have I forgotten anybody? I guess they must have changed the definition of 'fame whore'. :-D
*why don't you ask her for a date?
*I love Lance Armstrong ! Do not dis
*Still on sheryl crow??? its been 26 hours of this and u wonder y shes a fame whore
*u must secretly love her.....LMFAO... let it go already
*Who are you and what's your claim to fame?
*Apparently the rare person who has not slept with Sheryl Crow or won the Tour de France.
*Hey- why on earth do we ALL have to have the same opinion? I don't like her at all . Apparently you do. Why on earth is it soooo important to not make disparaging comments about ...the Sacred Crow?
*soooo who do u think will win the world series this year..... hint hint...lol
*there are "singers" who I do not like at all. Sheryl Crow is far better than any of them. Try Cheryl Lynn some time. Or Taylor Dayne. Or Carrie Underwood. Or Ted Nugent for that matter. Go off on them, I'm game. Sheryl Crow is hardly... the level of voice that I would expect to generate even 4 comments much less 30. She's OK.
*i think the yankees will win it.......lmao
Now, you ardent Facebook non-supporters know what you're missing. I envy you bastards, but I'm afraid for me, there is no turning back.
And you know, I still don't see what is so hilarious about Sheryl Crow's new record, "100 Miles From Memphis."
See you on Facebook.