Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Sheryl Crow & The Facebook Tutorial

For those unfamiliar with how Facebook operates, here is a brief tutorial.

First, sign up. It's a breeze.

Enter as much personal information as possible---date of birth, mother's maiden name, name of first two pets, social security number, routing number of checking account, locker combination at the gym, waist size, shoe size, religious beliefs, addictions, allergies, preferred condiments, favorite "How I Met Your Mother" cast member. Now find a nice picture of yourself. If you're unhappy with the way you look, you can use a picture of Ed Asner or a sunset. That's it! You've created your Facebook profile.

Once you've completed that process, the hilarity begins. It is now time to socialize.

You need "friends." So, dab on your favorite cologne and start searching. Before you know it, people who had secretly been wishing you were dead for the last 30 years, will be vying for your friendship, assuming of course, they really only have to say hello once, or occasionally click their "like" button.

Once you tally up somewhere between 100-1000 "friends," it's time to start sharing pivotal information like, how bad your headache was the night before, what you had for lunch, your innermost feelings about your recent iPhone purchase, as well as holiday pictures, your love of America, as well as your distaste for Mexicans, African-Americans and homosexuals, sometimes all in the same sentence, all for your 388 new friends to see. You can offer opinions on movies and music, and post links to your favorite places, like...I don't know... Burning Wood. You could even post "on location."

"Having a Chocotini at Pheromones. Life is good!"

The most important part of the whole enchilada though, is... your status.

This simple phrase, which is carefully placed right next to your name, will set your table for that particular day. For example, on a good day, my status may be, "Sal Nunziato feels so good this morning, he may spring for a TALL stack of blueberry pancakes." Or, if something is bothering me, my status may read, "Sal Nunziato is FREAKING out because that girl at Bed, Bath, & Beyond promised the shower curtains he ordered would be in on Wednesday and ...they...were...NOT!"

Now it's time for your "friends" to comment, just like if you were in a bar or at a party, except here on Facebook, everyone cares because there is no eye contact.

It's FUN!

Here is a recent status of one of my "friends," who from the looks of it, is not really a fan of Sheryl Crow.

"Sheryl Crow sings soul- LOL"

I gather from that statement, he was less than amused by Miss Crow's new record.

I removed the names of the "friends" whose comments followed, but boy, what a Facebook shit storm.


*Say that ten times fast!

*Sheryl Crow tries to revive a fading, it'll be "Sheryl Crow Sings The Great American Songbook"

*Can an album of duets be far behind?

*Duets with dead people!

*It's not like I have any stake in her career, or really care for her all that much, but how is writing a bunch of originals, recording it in Muscle Shoals with some respected musicians, and ending up with better than average product "reviving a fading career" or something hysterically funny? Just asking...

*Well, her name is still meaningful, but she can't sell hard tickets. That equals 'fading career'. Like you, I'm not particularly a fan, but I've nothing against her either. She's a talented artist who makes decent records and has had a good track record for writing hit singles. When was her last hit? Soak Up The Sun? That was 8 years ago. Given the wide variety of new marketing models for music since then, she appears to be following older ones. '... and I just say, Good Luck.'

*Call me sexist, but I love it when she straps on a Guild Bluesbird bass and fronts her band. Good groove, great set of pipes, and when the mood strikes her, she writes a nice song.

*Not having a "hit" doesn't mean her output was bad. We all know that. I find the hype surrounding third rate bands like The Hold Steady and The National more of a reason to LOL than a new Sheryl Crow record.

*Agreed. I'm certainly not disparaging her qualifications, only the current state of her career. There's nothing wrong with her that a hit wouldn't cure. As to the two bands you mentioned, their success is as laughable as it is bankable... for now!

*What new bands do you like?

*Florence & the Machine, Mumford & Sons, The London Souls, Little Dragon, Kristina Train, off the top my head.

*I have no problem with Sheryl Crow's talent, or her work. However, the late stage "theme album" is always a red flag, no matter who does it.

*Steve Miller just put out a Blues Theme album & its horrible,the blues watered down to nothing ,imagine Robert Johnsons " Hellhound on My Trail "done' (Keep On ) Rocking me Baby style...not good

*Goot Got Amighteee!

*Sheryl Crow FANS. LOL!!

*Whitebread radio-friendly clearchannel craprock. hits don't mean anything - ask vanilla ice. a douchebag is a douchebag, regardless of selling power or sex...

*I think this would be an apropos time for me to say that Graham Parker & The Rumor sucked.

*"Sheryl Crow to cover GG Allin for upcoming tribute...."

*Sheryl Crow's "Tribute To Toti"...Featuring all of Toti Fields' best bits, including...'Gene Simmons is a nice Jewish boy...'!

*I don't care about her career or her motivation. I happened to turn on the TV this AM to see her doing a completely deracinated version of "soul music" and wondered why so many people take third-rate artists like her seriously. she was never a great singer or songwriter (others wrote her best material). i've always considered her worthless (except for the Liz Phair-channeling "Soak Up the Sun," which was a total fluke). My LOL was because she might think she's singing soul, but she's so far off the mark it's risible.

*I love 'deracinated'! I like S Crow's face, but never got the rest.

*'deracinated' good, yes.

*She's just a fame whore. There is NOTHING she won't do for media exposure. She appeared in an episode of CBS' long running summer reality series 'Big Brother' as a "reward" for god's sake.

*lol......isnt country music kinda... like (LMFAO) ....soul

I think it's unfair to call Sheryl Crow a "fame" whore. She's far from that and has made some really good records.

*She has. There's a new Sheryl CD in my local Starbucks BTW.

*Not a great singer, but a good musician. Do not dis.

*lol no comment

*re: "unfair to call Sheryl Crow a "fame" whore.", "Do not dis". guess I hit a nerve. he he. and I suppose her ex - Lance Armstrong never did steroids. ;-)

*Life is unfair. Who noticed?

*let's see ... Eric Clapton, John Mayer, Lance Armstrong, Kid Rock. Have I forgotten anybody? I guess they must have changed the definition of 'fame whore'. :-D

*why don't you ask her for a date?

*have fun!

*I love Lance Armstrong ! Do not dis

*Still on sheryl crow??? its been 26 hours of this and u wonder y shes a fame whore

*u must secretly love her.....LMFAO... let it go already

*Who are you and what's your claim to fame?

*Apparently the rare person who has not slept with Sheryl Crow or won the Tour de France.

*Hey- why on earth do we ALL have to have the same opinion? I don't like her at all . Apparently you do. Why on earth is it soooo important to not make disparaging comments about ...the Sacred Crow?

*soooo who do u think will win the world series this year..... hint

*there are "singers" who I do not like at all. Sheryl Crow is far better than any of them. Try Cheryl Lynn some time. Or Taylor Dayne. Or Carrie Underwood. Or Ted Nugent for that matter. Go off on them, I'm game. Sheryl Crow is hardly... the level of voice that I would expect to generate even 4 comments much less 30. She's OK.

*i think the yankees will win it.......lmao


Now, you ardent Facebook non-supporters know what you're missing. I envy you bastards, but I'm afraid for me, there is no turning back.

And you know, I still don't see what is so hilarious about Sheryl Crow's new record, "100 Miles From Memphis."

See you on Facebook.


Fishguy said...


I believe you can delete most, if not all of your personal data from your facebook account via the "edit" feature (I only gave my birthday, and now wish I'd given a fake one). as far as friends go - I've only friended people who I know, or know of. You COULD (if you so desired) keep your current account to post new blog entries, and start a new account such as "S.M.Nunziato" (or whatever your middle initial might be) and be more judicious about friends...

(just sayin')


Sal Nunziato said...

I'm sure, Fishguy. I was really going for something else here.

Thanks though. ;)

steve simels said...

Now find a nice picture of yourself. If you're unhappy with the way you look, you can use a picture of Ed Asner or a sunset.

That may be the single funniest thing I've ever read.

Sal Nunziato said...

That means alot coming from the man who just wrote, "I have two words for you, oy and gevalt." I'm still smiling and I read that 2 hours ago.

FD13NYC said...

No Facebook, Twitter or MySpace for me. Don't want everyone to know every move, thought and fart that I make, it's ridiculous. It's for people with a lot of time on their hands. (No offense to anyone who subscribes to these jabber apps).

I only wish to communicate with a few choice people in my life (and you all should know who you are). Sorry, that's just the private hermit crab in me. And Sheryl Crow has always been pretty good in my Frankbook.

big bad wolf said...

no facebook for me either, but i too like sheryl crow just fine. in particular, i think "my favorite mistake" may be the best stones/stonesy song not done by the stones themselves.

Noam Sane said...

And that's why I never miss a post here.

I'm gonna have to friend you, Sal. Don't want to miss this stuff.

She should open a night club and call it The Crow Bar.

Ken D said...

OK FD13! I thought it was only me.
When I get incredulous comments re the fact that I'm not on Facebook (nor all that interested) I reply to the effect that I have about 8 books beside my bed waiting to be read, about 40 podcasts yet to listen to (and more coming in every day), a Netflix queue that's about 20 deep, and I think I'm somewhere up to about mid-June with magazines. And I'd like to listen to a CD or watch a baseball game once in a while too...

So Facebook fits in where?

anythingshouldhappen said...

Sitting as I am, unexpectedly, in a hotel room in Birmingham, touting for another brief, Facebook could be good for me, but the Sheryl business sums it up.

I had a lot of time on my hands at the turn of the year and eventually signed up.

It was great at first because your "proper" friends wade in at first and it's a hoot and becomes addictive.

The problem is friends of friends of friends join in and then you start to get mithered by people you hoped you'd forgot.

It all becomes so inane, my next door neighbour was contacting, for god sake just knock on my door!

Then there's the ones who post every minutae of their lives. Just been to the local shop for a pint of milk. Woke up tired blah blah.

Then there's Farmsville and Mafia Wars crap.

I soon returned to the real world.

Kevin said...

Don't know much about Doyle II, but Doyle Sr. made a good record with CC Adcock called "Is It News?" which you probably know about. "Lost in the Congo" is awesome, as is "I'll Take You Away," which in a perfect world would be a standard.
Just started on Facebook myself, but not a big Sheryl fan. She definitely has issues with high notes.

misospecial said...

true dat, but the level of comments, while mostly insipid, didn't descend into the mindless viciousness that is the hallmark of "lively" comment threads, and for that we can all be grateful. no commenter who announced with total assurance that sheryl crow is, bar none, the most loser untalented slut ho ever to stain the airwaves.... not a single troll.

for me fb is mostly a place to post music that's on my mind, or clips from movies. i am baffled by people who post really personal stuff. they seem to think facebook is a private space. sigh.

see you on facebook.

Christine said...

I don't think Sal really means to trash Facebook--I think the real purpose of this post was the crazy Sheryl Crow thread, the passion with which people hate certain artists, etc.

I have found many, many old friends through Facebook, friends I cherished back then, and still cherish now. I honestly don't know how else I would have found them otherwise, or if any of us would have bothered to try. That sounds like a contradiction, but let's face it, we're busy. I ignore all the crap people post if I'm not interested. Sal, I think you would agree with me somewhat, or am I getting ready to make an ass out of u and me?

Sheryl Crow's voice gets on my nerves if I listen to her too much, but she is a talented musician and deserves her fame.

Sal Nunziato said...


The FB tutorial was supposed to be funny. Nothing more. So, you assumed correctly.

Michael said...

I have an account on The Face Book thing. Damned if old friends haven't come out of the woodwork, it's worth me posting my social security number and location of birthmarks and strange moles just to get back in touch with those psychos.

And I'll confess... Sheryl Crow is one of my guilty pleasures. Every time her voice cracks beguilingly at the top of the chorus of "If it makes you happy," I can't help grinning ear to ear. to myself, of course.

charlie c. said...

more than three laffs -- mostly at the beginning . . . ditto the ed asner/sunset motif.
would that my netflix queue was 20 deep . . .
(i think your shower curtain came to the watchung nj bb&b . . . was it the yellow submarine one?!?)

charlie c. said...

christine: i have never seen a crazy facebook thread -- what am i missing?!?

David Handelman said...

Sal, it's weird, you trash FB the same week I put my toes in Twitter and run screaming to the exits.

The thing is -- the phenomenon you describe here is not limited to Facebook. It is true on every friggin website there is, from the NYTimes (check out Frank Rich commenters sometime) to DeadlineHollywood where, for instance, an item about Obama appearing on the View turns into a call to arms for FoxNews nutbags.

To me Facebook is, like anythingshouldhappen says, a place that at first seemed intimate and appealing, and even created or renewed some connections, but now is circling the drain of sheer self promotion (or navel gazing if there's nothing to promote.)

PS I like Sheryl Crow. I would really like someone to dig up the very first release she was supposed to make that got pulled, before the blockbuster. Was it really terrible?