Blast From The Past: Real Reviews From The NYCD Newsletter, Volume Three

 

During the second half of our retail career, my partner Tony and I created a weekly newsletter which was meant to alert subscribing customers about new releases, happenings at the shop like sales or in-store performances, as well as offering reviews of music new and old that we had for sale. As business started going the way of the hula hoop, we became disenchanted with the entire industry and our newsletter became more of a weekly rant than a sales platform. For the last two years of its existence, the NYCD newsletter mostly consisted of our jaded and snark-filled reviews of and commentary on the many CD releases that would drop each Tuesday which at this point, most cared little about. While we both would have preferred selling the CDs we were writing about and actually making money, there were times we laughed so hard at what we were writing, that it quelled the bitter reality of losing money hand over fist as the store sputtered into its final days. The subscribers of the newsletter felt the same way, caring less about us shutting our doors for good, and more about whether the newsletter would live on once our brick and mortar shop became a frozen yogurt shop. The following is a collection of actual reviews pulled from the archives.

ELVIS PRESLEY - ELVIS AT THE MOVIES. 

Features previously unreleased sound bites of Elvis at his favorite Memphis movie theater, watching films with the Memphis Mafia.

Our favorite moments include "Man, that Holly Golightly's somethin', ain't she, Red?"

"Are those two taken? Thank ya ver' much," and "Man, that Charlton Heston's somethin', ain't he, Red?"

HERB ALPERT - RISE.

Herb's 1979 comeback features the still-brilliant title track, with some other not-so-brilliant tracks that sound like anything

from the chase scene in a Robert Urich TV special to background music for a David Copperfield plate-spinning extravaganza.

If that's your sort of thing, then enjoy.

ROBERT POLLARD - CRICKETS.

It's been at least two weeks since Robert Pollard put out a new record,

so the fans are getting antsy. 

Features the usual drums made out of aluminum foil, amps running on C batteries, 

and vocals sung through a bullhorn.

THE BRAVERY - SUN AND THE MOON.

Our press release said that The Bravery spent a whole eight months working on their second album.

We remember a time when it took Don Henley eight months to properly mic the castanets on "Hotel California."

These boys made a name for themselves with their not-bad debut,

and this record will either get them back on top or get them on the bill with Quarterflash and Cock Robin at the Nevele.

 

SERGIO MENDES - TIMELESS.

Mendes has made himself a bit of a legend, thanks to Brasil 66 and their infectious hits

such as "Mais Que Nada," "The Look Of Love," and "Day Tripper," to name a few.

Now, as most has-beens are wont to do,

he gets a lot of young non-talent to muck up his older hits by adding off-key melismatic warbling,

hip-hop beats, and one too many "Yeah, boyees” in "Fool On The Hill,"

in a misguided attempt to appeal to the kids. If you want to appeal to kids, 

endorse a Playstation game and leave your classic catalog alone.

JESSICA SIMPSON - A PUBLIC AFFAIR.

When not splitting the atom and reading Susan Sontag,

Simpson spends a lot of time eating paste and adjusting her bosoms.

OK, we admit it, the first single is kind of a catchy little ditty. But so is pink-eye.

PARIS HILTON - PARIS.

There are worse things than the lead single from this heiress-turned-whore, namely the other eleven songs on the record.

Whatever. Leave her be. If we had a trillion dollars, we'd probably be making bad records and documenting our oral sex abilities, too.

PAT DiNIZIO - THIS IS PAT DiNIZIO.

We used to love the Smithereens, until they released seven bad records in a row.

Now, on this new solo record from the head Smithereen, DiNizio takes his favorite pop songs of the '60s 

and arranges them for solo voice and piano.

The odd platter-stack includes "This Guy's In Love With You," "You Only Live Twice," and "Surfer Girl," 

as well as a couple of Smithereens tunes.

Initial pressings already come with a "$2.99 Used" sticker on them.

 

THIEVERY CORPORATION: VERSIONS.

This duo remixes some of their favorite artists, including Nouvelle Vague, the Doors, 

Herb Alpert and Sarah McLachlan. If you can find a thread running through that list, 

we tip our hats to you.

TORI AMOS - A PIANO: THE COLLECTION.

The first ever box set from one of the creepiest performers we've ever set eyes on.

86 alternates, remixes, rarities, and some classics as well.

If none of you are familiar with Tori Amos' cover version shtick, think putting a cockring on Michaelangelo’s David.

BOB SEGER - FACE PROMISE.

His first record since the unforgettable album... um, what was it called again?... in 1995,

Seger has spent the bulk of the last decade playing with his kids.

And that's sure to inspire some fantastic material.

(See Eric Clapton's "Back Home.")

SPEAKING OF THAT STUPID NEW STING RECORD…

All you fans who have been holding your breath waiting for Sting to record an album of 16th century lute music, you can exhale! Your moment is here!

Coming soon from Deutsche Grammophon, also known as the label which releases rock stars' unlistenable and pretentious side projects,

is “SONGS FROM THE LABYRINTH,” featuring songs by that Elizabethan hepcat John Dowland.

 

Here are our Top 5 snarky comments.

1. That crap release “Sacred Love” is sounding a lot better now, isn't it?

2. Features a duet with Mary J. Blige on “Message In A Goblet”!

3. Can now justifiably change his name to Stink.

4. Features guest appearance from Andy Summers on “Everye Breathe Thou Takest.”

5. Top imbecile!