"Presence"

 

There is some click bait over at The Independent titled "The 15 Worst Albums By Classic Artists," and as expected, a few of the usual suspects appear, like The Clash disaster "Cut The Crap," the Gary Cherone mess that is known as "Van Halen III" and the Jim-less Doors fiasco "Other Voices." While I'm not surprised to see "It's Hard" by The Who on the list---it is mostly garbage---its inclusion tempted me to write a completely different piece titled "All That Is Wrong With Record Store Day," leading with the example of the just released 2-LP version of The Who's worst album. But I'll save that for another day.

Also on the list is Aerosmith's "Draw The Line," an unworthy follow-up to what I maintain is the greatest hard rock album of all-time, "Rocks," but hardly as bad as a number of records that followed, like "Rock & A Hard Place," "Done With Mirrors" and "Honkin' On Bobo." The author doesn't say much about "Draw The Line" other than pulling a quote about Tyler & Perry's drug habits. A lazy inclusion, if you ask me.

There are also records by Motley Crue, Kiss, Metallica and Black Sabbath that I can't comment on, having little memory of hearing a note from any.

The most confounding and offensive inclusion is Led Zeppelin's "Presence." 

Now before all of you Zep haters regale us with the same tired stories of seeing them stink up the joint 50 years ago while Mashmakan blew them off the stage, or any of you Randy California disciples vomit the same stories of Jimmy Page's plagiarist tendencies, or mention the banana in Robert Plant's pants, let me preempt that by saying, you most likely have not heard a note from "Presence," and if you have, it was probably 45 years ago, so you are disqualified. Please put your two cents away.

This is The Independent's entire commentary:

"The end of 1975 was a tough time for Led Zep. Singer Robert Plant was still recovering after being seriously injured in a car accident, so their tour was cancelled and studio time booked instead. Presence was put together in just a few weeks, with guitarist and producer Jimmy Page working 20 hour days to finish it and Plant singing through the pain. In hindsight, bed rest may have been a better option."

Hoo hoo hoo. How droll. 

What's it sound like, Strindberg?

"Presence" was indeed recorded under trying circumstances, but so what? There are no songs called "My Leg Is In A Cast" or "Our Tour Was Cancelled." 

As a long time Zep devotee, who once spent the better part of 1994, reading an exhaustive document of LZ's entire touring history and listening to over 100 live bootlegs, some of which sounded as if they were recorded from a chopper hovering over the arena, I feel confident that I know what I am talking about. 

"Presence" is brilliant. That it followed what is widely regarded as the band's masterwork, "Physical Graffiti," is no fault of the music on the record. Neither is the shitty album cover.

The album opens with the epic "Achilles Last Stand," ten-plus minutes of an impossibly relentless groove that finds John Bonham out-Bonhaming anything he's done in the past. It also features, what I think is Jimmy Page's best guitar solo. That's right. It's not the one in "Stairway To Heaven." It's this one. "Achilles Last Stand" is thrash, years before it became a genre. The rhythm section of Bonzo and Jonesy drive this song into the stratosphere.

"For Your Life," which by the way features one of my other favorite Page solos, along with "Royal Orleans" and "Hots On For Nowhere," offer some of the band's funkiest grooves and deepest pockets. Hard rock bands exist for years trying to come up with one evergreen riff, and we have three right here on one record.

"Nobody's Fault But Mine" takes the blues standard and turns it on its ear. Again, I will use the word "funky." Of course, this isn't Meters funky, or P-Funk funky, but it's there.

The one true misstep is the 50's boogie pastiche, "Candy Store Rock." To paraphrase Neil Young, this one begins nowhere and then gets lost altogether. 

"Tea For One" closes the record. This has a promising opening riff, one that can only be from the mind of Jimmy Page. But then it quickly becomes a slow, blues dirge which might have worked with a blistering solo to take us home. But that never happens.

"Presence" gets played in this house more often than all other LZ records except for "III," which along with "Physical Graffiti" sit as my two favorites. To include "Presence" on a list with Motley Crue's "Generation Swine" and Duran Duran's all covers shit show "Thank You," where you will hear Simon LeBon spew his way through Public Enemy's "911 Is A Joke," tells me the author of The Independent's piece knows nothing about Led Zeppelin or their music.